


Shit, I’m Pregnant

by BlindSeer0



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:53:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24874153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlindSeer0/pseuds/BlindSeer0
Summary: Rocket's pregnant via God of Thunder and he's not happy about it.
Relationships: Rocket Raccoon/Thor
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	Shit, I’m Pregnant

“Congratulations.”

Rocket glared over his cup of coffee at Mantis.

“For what, this pounding headache?” he asked, taking a long sip. He’d developed a taste for the stuff while on Earth; especially the morning after drinking too much.

“No, silly,” replied Mantis, being way too chipper this early in the cycle. “On your babies.”

Rocket spat out his coffee.

“My WHAT?!” he yelled.

Quill, Drax and Groot were all looking at them now.

“Mantis, I’m pretty sure Rocket’s a guy,” said Quill.

“I am,” snarled Rocket.

“Do men not get pregnant where you’re from?” asked Mantis.

“No!” he and Quill replied at the same time.

“Aren’t you always saying there’s only one of you?” asked Drax.

“There IS only one of me,” replied Rocket.

“Then how do you know you can’t get pregnant?” said Drax.

“Because that would be ridiculous,” said Rocket.

“Actually, he has a point,” said Quill. “How do we know you can’t get pregnant? Male raccoons can’t get pregnant on my planet, but you’re always saying you’re not a raccoon so…”

Rocket glared at all of them.

“You’re glowing,” said Mantis, reaching for him but she pulled her hand back when he snapped at her.

“No one is touching me!” said Rocket. “I’m not pregnant and that’s final!”

“I’m Groot.”

They all looked at Groot then back to Rocket.

“Shit, I’m pregnant.”

With that the sixth member of their crew decided to make his appearance.

“Who’s repugnant?” asked Thor, strolling into the mess hall.

“Rocket is,” replied Quill.

“Hey!”

“Don’t listen to him, Rabbit. I find you the least repugnant here,” said Thor fondly.

“No no, he’s not repugnant, he’s preg- Ow!“ Quill was cut off by Rocket kicking him in the shins. “What was that for?!”

“Everyone stop talking,” said Rocket.

“He’s pregnant,” said Drax.

“Dude!”

Thor just looked confused.

“He’s what?”

“He’s pregnant,” said Quill with a glare down at Rocket. “Though how he’d get knocked up on this ship is anyone’s guess.”

“Yeah, about that…” replied Rocket, looking sheepishly at Thor, who was looking even more bewildered.

“Ha!” said Drax triumphantly. “I knew it! You and the god-man are sleeping together.”

“Don’t joke about that,” said Peter. “Could you imagine, little racoon gods running around…”

“YES!” yelled Thor, rushed forward and sweeping Rocket up in a hug.

“Oh no…” muttered Rocket as Thor smothered him in a hug. “This will not end well…”

***

Thankfully, they were able to find a doctor nearby. Dr. Kames Chadley, an Echomelian from Everett-5. Echomelians didn’t have eyes, but instead an “echo sense” that allowed them to notice things others might miss. They were known as great lawyers due to their ability to tell if people were lying, but they also made handy doctors. Of course, Rocket would rather set off a nuke than let a doctor touch him, so he’d brought a few guns, a bomb (not nuclear), and a god of thunder wielding a massive axe.

“Well, you’re definitely pregnant,” said Dr. Chadley “and it’s almost certainly with the Asgardian here. I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but whoever worked on you did a fabulous job. I’d love to talk with them about it.”

“That will be pretty hard, considering I left them in a thousand pieces,” said Rocket, “but I can do the same to you if you’d like.”

Dr. Chadley gulped.

“Yes well, I appreciate the offer, but I think I’ll pass.”

“So how far along is he?” asked Thor. He’d actually taken a shower, run a comb through his hair, and only pregamed a little bit to “steel himself for the battle to come.”

“It hard to say for sure, but we seem to have caught him near the beginning, thanks to your bug friend. The three embryos haven’t developed into fetuses yet. We have no idea how long gestation would take normally, but my guess is more than 60 cycles, but less than is typical for an Asgardian.”

“Asgardians are similar to Earthlings,” Thor told Rocket. “About 9 Earth months.”

“Good to know, but it’s not going to matter,” said Rocket.

“What do you mean?” asked Thor, confused.

“Can you end it?” Rocket asked the doctor.

“End what?” asked Dr. Chadley, also confused.

Rocket glared at them.

“You two hard of hearing or something? Can. You. End. The. Pregnancy?”

Rocket was sure he just witnessed the Echomelian equivalent of blinking in surprise.

“I would have to run more tests, but it should be possible.”

“Then run those tests and get this over with.”

“L-let’s not be too hasty about this, Rabbit,” said Thor. “Maybe we should talk about this first…”

“What’s there to talk about?” said Rocket. “The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can get back to blowing shit up.”

“I’ll leave you two alone,” said Dr. Chadley, heading for the door. “I’ll let you know the results of the tests as soon as possible.”

As soon as Chadley had left, Rocket rounded on Thor.

“What’s the big deal, Thor? You’re supposed to be my bodyguard, not my conscience.”

“I just don’t understand why you don’t want to keep them,” replied Thor.

Rocket laughed.

“Could you imagine me with kids?”

“You raised Groot, didn’t you?” Thor pointed out. “And he came out ok. Solid 7 out of 10.”

“That was only because I owed the other Groot. Besides, I had the help of the other Guardians.”

“I’m sure they’d be willing to help you again and I’d be here this time as well,” said Thor.

“You? Sure, you clean up nice, but you still have a long way to go before you’re ready for that kind of responsibility.”

“I’m willing to commit,” replied Thor enthusiastically. “I’ll take daily showers. Switch to low calorie beer. Quill has that Bowflex he picked up on Earth. That should get me back into shape.”

“Ok, sure, but the Benatar isn’t big enough for three more.”

“We can get a bigger ship,” said Thor.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but our missions aren’t exactly safe for children,” replied Rocket.

“We’re a god of thunder and the most badass space captain I’ve ever met. I’m sure we can keep them safe. If it looks too dangerous I can use Stormbreaker to summon the Bifrost and drop them off in New Asgard. Valkyrie said she would be willing to babysit occasionally.”

Rocket looked at Thor as if he was seeing him for the first time.

“You sure thought this through, didn’t you?”

“Only a little bit,” said Thor bashfully.

“You really want children that badly?”

“Its always been my dream to be a father,” said Thor. “To hear the laughter of children running through the halls, train them how to hold a weapon, and in the traditions of Asgard…”

“Even if those children are freaks? I’m sure the Asgardians would take that well.”

“What they think doesn’t matter,” said Thor.

“Well what about what I think?!” Rocket yelled, startling Thor.

“I don’t understand….”

“No, of course you don’t,” said Rocket. “You don’t know what its like to have no control over your body. To be taken apart and put back together because someone else was _curious._ To be cut open, again and again, a sharp knife pressed against your spine, your stomach, your head. You’ll never know what it feels like to have something growing inside you against your will, taking the last part you didn’t know wasn’t yours.”

Rocket’s voice lowered, and Thor leaned forward, captivated.

“I wasn’t joking when I told the quack that the people who made me were dead. It was my first ever jailbreak. When it was over, I thought I had won. They would never hurt me again, never control me. I was free. My body was mine and mine alone and no one would ever own it again. Turns out I was just fooling myself. It always belonged to them, and they’re getting one last laugh at the freak they created. But I’m going to fight them every step of the way, even if it means losing you.”

Thor was stunned.

“Rocket, I didn’t know…”

“Well now you do. So, go off and knock up some hummie or Asgardian broad who can give you those normal children you want and let me get back to only caring about me.”

He expected Thor to get angry, to argue with him. He wanted Thor to walk out and leave him alone. Thor didn’t do either of those. Instead he knelt down and looked Rocket straight in the eyes.

“Its true that I’ve wanted children since I was young. Literally centuries. I got excited thinking I could finally have everything I wanted. I never stopped to think about what you wanted or how you felt. For that, I’m sorry.”

Rocket turned away. He couldn’t bare how earnest Thor looked.

“Well I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted,” Rocket said bitterly. He tensed up when he felt a hand on his shoulder, but he didn’t turn around.

“But you did. You gave me back my friends, my confidence, my liver, and my mother. You gave me a new eye, a new family, and a new reason to live. Most of all, you gave me the most precious gift you could, and I’m never going to give that back.”

It was Rocket’s turn to be confused.

“Oh yeah, and what was that?”

“I was a slave once. It was only for a week, but I was forced to fight in their arena. There was a device in my neck that would give me a little *bzzzt* if I did something they didn’t like. They even cut my hair, which is why it was short when we first met. Good look, but I would have rather chosen it for myself. Well, if the fate of Asgard hadn’t been in the balance, I might not have ever escaped. I might have just given up, let myself be a “Lord of Thunder” in the arena, instead of the god I was. I had never felt so violated in my life, and what I went through was barely of fraction of what you did. So, I will never ever force you to feel that way again. If that means supporting you in this decision, then I will.”

“You say that now, but how can I know you’re not lying? Plus, you never said what it was I gave you,” said Rocket.

Thor leaned forward and embraced Rocket. Part of Rocket wanted to pull away. To close himself off. But he didn’t.

“I wanted children, but I haven’t wanted that for years. Ever since I’ve met you the only thing I’ve wanted was you. I was so excited thinking we could have children because it would be _with you._ When you invited me to come here, with you, I was honored. We both know you didn’t need protection; you could fend off an army of doctors. You invited me even knowing you’d have to reveal the most intimate parts of yourself. Still, you hoped I would accept those, and I have. That’s what you gave me: yourself. You had every right not to, but still, you trusted me enough to do so, and I will never betray that. The throne of Asgard, Mjolnir, children with our blood, none of that matters to me if I can’t have you.”

Silence followed Thor’s proclamation.

“Rocket?”

“Damn it Thunder, you’re crazy, you know that?”

He could almost hear Thor smiling behind him.

“So I’ve been told.”

The tension left him and Rocket’s shoulders slumped; just let Thor embrace him, all of him.

“Well, I guess we’ll be crazy together.”

**Author's Note:**

> Endnote Commentary  
> 1\. What’s a “cycle”? No idea, but the concept of using Earth days in space made no sense to me so I went with a generic space version. My guess is it is somewhere between 20-28 hours.  
> 2\. Mantis’s “You’re glowing” line was originally something much longer and more technical, but then my brother saw it and told me it should just be “you’re glowing” and he was right.  
> 3\. Having just rewatched Infinity War, I noticed that Groot says “I’m Groot” instead of “I am Groot”, which is really interesting (assuming I wasn’t imagining things).  
> 4\. I actually texted my friend for words that rhymed with “pregnant” (no other context given). His two suggestions were “repugnant” and “regnant”, with the note that the second one probably wouldn’t make much sense. Ironically in this context it would have worked perfectly fine, but “repugnant” was just funnier.  
> 5\. The Echomelians are an actual alien species from Marvel comics, specifically from the Rocket mini-series by Al Ewing, which is fantastic and I highly recommend it (available on Marvel Unlimited or collected in trade as “The Blue River Score”). Mostly they’re just used for an extended Daredevil gag, which are two of the funniest pages in comics.  
> 6\. Dr. Kames Chadley is a spoof on X-Men’s Dr. James Bradley, aka Dr. Nemesis. Dr. Nemesis mostly appears in X-Force comics and is a delight.  
> 7\. Someone on Ao3 called this pairing "Energizer Bunny", and that's amazing.
> 
> I love this pairing so much, though hopefully my next foray into writing it is fluffier. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
